Friendship problems can take seemingly endless forms, from trouble meeting and establishing connections with other kids to having a posse of friends beset with conflicts, stresses, and shifting loyalties. Helping children learn to resolve conflicts with friends peacefully, with patience and empathy, is one of the greatest skills you can help your child learn.
Recognizing friendship issues
As a parent, sometimes you’ll hear about friendship issues loud and clear — e.g. your child comes home from elementary school in tears because their best friend sat with another child on the school bus, or your teen slams into the house in a rage after a fight with a classmate. Other times, you may come to this conclusion through observation and indirect communication — e.g. a young child is always alone when waiting for pick up, or a tween or teen never seems to have plans on the weekend.
Not every comment about lack of friends is as worrisome as you might think. 鈥淪ometimes children complain that they have no friends when what they really mean is they don鈥檛 have a close or best friend,鈥� says , a psychologist based in Princeton, NJ who has written many books for parents and kids, including and for kids, and the podcast .
In any scenario, your goal is to get your child to open up and share their thoughts and feelings. But, of course, that doesn鈥檛 necessarily mean asking direct questions. Instead, you might describe what you’re seeing, or you might mention your observations and ask open-ended questions or make open-ended, non-judgmental comments.
Because in this moment, you have two goals: understanding the underlying friendship issues and making your child feel safe and supported enough to talk.
Understanding the why behind friendship issues and social challenges
If your child is having social issues, you驶re probably wondering why and looking for explanations.
Temperament, of course, plays a big role. Some kids are naturally the life of the party, while others are quieter, more hesitant, or full-out resistant to meeting new kids and entering unfamiliar situations. While we can be quick to label a child shy, many experts prefer to say that some kids are slower to warm up and just need more help to feel comfortable in new situations.
If your child seems perfectly happy to spend time by themselves drawing, reading, or playing with toys, they may also be a natural introvert. So before you put your own social expectations on your child, notice whether they seem lonely, bored, or unhappy. If not, they may not need the frequency of social interaction that a more extroverted child would.
Is it social anxiety?
Social anxiety tends to start later, often between the ages of 8 and 15, when kids start to feel the weight of social expectations and worry about doing or saying the 鈥渞ight鈥� thing. Often, social anxiety is about fear of embarrassment or awkwardness. For example, a tween or teen might be afraid to walk into the cafeteria for fear of being left to sit alone. Kids with social anxiety feel stressed and anxious about situations where they feel like they have to perform or live up to expectations, such as recitals, parties, and sports games. They can also focus almost obsessively on 鈥�fitting in,鈥� such as having the right clothes, and might imagine that other kids are whispering or laughing about them when in fact they驶re talking about something completely different.
You may also feel concerned when social issues seem to crop up regularly at school or during activities or playdates. Maybe your child seems to go through friends quickly, has angry outbursts, or says and does things that are off-putting to other kids like being bossy or aggressive, dissolving into tears easily, or interrupting others. Other kids may begin to avoid them, giving the child, tween, or teen the idea that they’re unpopular and making them more socially uncomfortable as time goes on.
Open communication
Getting your child, tween, or teen to open up and talk to you about what驶s going on in their social lives is the first step in tackling social issues and helping your child turn any problem areas around. To do this, you want to be as non-judgmental as possible. The more you jump in with opinions, critiques, and suggestions, the less safe your child is going to feel in revealing painful feelings and experiences.
The secret to building this trust is attentive listening and empathy. Luckily, these are two of the most important social skills you驶re trying to teach your child, so here驶s your chance to demonstrate them in action! Hear your child out, gathering as much detail as you can, holding back the opinions and suggestions — at least for now. Your job right now is to let them know you understand and can imagine what it feels like to experience what they驶re going through. Now it’s time to start offering insights and suggestions, and interestingly, here is where your child驶s ability to feel empathy comes in. Because the best way for your child to see how their behavior might be working against them is to imagine others驶 reactions.
3 steps to redirecting your child鈥檚 behavior
To redirect your child驶s behavior, Kennedy-Moore recommends 鈥渟oft criticism,鈥� a three-step process for letting your child feel you’re on their side yet suggesting that change is needed. 鈥淵ou start off by offering an excuse or compliment, something that puts you on the same side. Then in part two, you address the problem behavior and help them see how it驶s having a bad outcome,鈥� she says.
Leading off with a possible explanation shows empathy and offers your child insight into their behavior. 鈥淵ou can say, 驶I know you didn鈥檛 mean to,鈥� or 驶You probably didn鈥檛 realize,鈥� or 驶I get that you were trying to,鈥� and then go on to talk about the problem,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says.
Take the case of an eighth grade boy who excels at basketball, who frequently complains to his teammates that they don驶t practice enough and expresses annoyance and frustration when they make bad plays — behaviors not exactly designed to endear him to his teammates.
鈥淚n this situation, I’d tell the child you see how hard he驶s working and how much he cares and that you understand how frustrating it is when other kids don鈥檛 seem to put as much effort in. Then I鈥檇 talk about all the ways in which we can contribute to a team,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淵ou can point out that one way is playing well and scoring, but there鈥檚 another side of it, which is building morale and making everyone feel valued. In some cases, you might need to call them on it directly. You might ask him, 鈥楬ow does it feel to be around you, do you think? Does it make other kids feel bad if you鈥檙e frustrated with them?鈥� In step three, she says, you help your child think of actions that might be more positive. 鈥淵ou might say, 鈥榊ou want your teammates to keep practicing and getting better, so maybe instead you could be encouraging and positive or even offer to help.鈥欌��
Your child needs your empathy and support
Supporting your child through painful social experiences taxes every parental muscle we have. It requires us to go against one of our most basic instincts, which is to protect our child from pain. But this should not be our goal because we can鈥檛. Kids can be mean, kids get left out, and we can鈥檛 fix it. What we can do is encourage them to share their hurt and confusion and let them know we empathize. When they’re ready to brainstorm solutions, we can help them figure out what驶s going wrong and what to do differently.
Let驶s start with two of the hardest social situations parents face — a child who doesn驶t have any friends or who has suffered a 鈥渂reak up鈥� with a close friend.
鈥淭his is a place where I think parents can get so emotionally stuck because what we want to say is, 鈥榃ell, that kid doesn’t know what they’re talking about because you’re smart and funny and you’re fun and they驶re missing out. But what we驶re really saying is, I can’t handle your pain,鈥� says , a Chicago-based psychologist and author of and .
By attempting to reassure your child — and yourself — this way, you驶re minimizing the experience and essentially shutting down the conversation, he says. 鈥淵ou don’t want to give your child that message, you want them to know, I can hear it and I’m going to help you through it.鈥�
While there are ways parents faced with this situation can facilitate social opportunities, what your child needs emotionally is your empathy and understanding.
Problem-solving friendship issues together
Tears, angry outbursts, the silent treatment. It鈥檚 not always peaceful out there on the playground, and tween and teen friendships tend to get even more volatile. What do you do when your child comes home in one, or a combination of, these unhappy states?
First, try not to mediate, hover, or otherwise manage whatever is going on because getting involved sends the message that you don驶t have faith in your child to work this out on their own. Not only that, but your well-intentioned help will prevent your child from exercising their own conflict-resolution abilities, a set of skills they驶ll need to strengthen more and more as they get older.
So what do you do? Teach the art of compromise. 鈥淐hildren don鈥檛 naturally know how to compromise; their normal tendency is to insist on their way or sulk,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淲e want kids to solve problems with negotiation and compromise, but that doesn鈥檛 become their main way they do that until about age 19.鈥� This means you may have to problem-solve with them.
鈥淚 think we can very explicitly teach children different ways to solve a conflict or settle a disagreement,鈥� she says. One way to do this is through questions and explanations. 鈥淎sk your child, 鈥榃hy does your friend want it that way? And why do you want it your way?鈥� When they can explain directly the reasons for their preference, using I statements, then they can meet in the middle or do part of what one wants and part of the other.鈥�
If both kids continue to insist on their way, they can often get past it by taking a pause, she says. 鈥淵ou might see them separate for a few minutes, then they come back together and don驶t mention it again. They just start being nice to each other.鈥�
鈥淎nother possibility, one that I can almost promise won鈥檛 occur to kids, is to give in graciously sometimes, just out of caring,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. Help them see that saying, 鈥淲e can do it your way, even if my way is better,鈥� is something friends do for each other.
Helping your child rebuild confidence
Hurts and disappointments in friendship can feel like defeats. Your child may need time and support to bounce back. 鈥淧art of building resilience is to listen and validate what your child is going through,鈥� says Duffy. 鈥淵ou might say,`Wow, that驶s awful. I’m proud of you for making it through that, that’s a really difficult thing to deal with at your age.鈥� So give them some credit for just making it through those days when there is a friend problem or mean kid or bully out there.鈥�
It’s also important to support your child in advocating for themselves. Saying 鈥淚 don驶t like it when you talk to me like that,鈥� or taking a break from a volatile 鈥渉ot and cold鈥� friendship is hard to do, but can feel very powerful. You can help your child frame what they want to do or say by talking through confusing and painful situations with questions like, 鈥淗ow does it feel when鈥︹�� and 鈥淗elp me understand this.鈥�
Seeking professional help
The stress of friendship issues, conflicts, and other social difficulties can trigger or contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Eating disorders and other self-harming behaviors, which can also be intertwined with social difficulties, are occurring earlier than ever before. If you驶re worried that your child is struggling with any of these issues, consulting a therapist or other professional is the best way to get answers.
Kids can also benefit from an outside perspective when they seem stuck. And they may be able to open up to and hear input from therapists that they can驶t hear from parents.
Knowing your child is lonely or feels like they don驶t belong is painful. It鈥檚 easy to feel helpless. Kids are tougher than we think, though, and with a little guidance, kids can learn to make friends, resolve conflicts, and find their place among their peers.
